Thumpme

Last time I posted I bailed on my commitment to finish Numbers in one reading. I finished Numbers today and moved onto Deuteronomy, which practically summarizes Numbers! It would have been awesome if someone told me that. Deuteronomy is so much more concise.

I suppose that’s what I get for cheating, which brings me to tenacity. Do I have enough to survive the next three weeks without any substances? I think so, but we’ll see. My reward for making it is a trip to Colorado. If I fail, I’ll still go to Colorado, completely annihilating cause-effect as motivation. Cause-effect aside, this ban on substances is self-inflicted and if I don’t have enough tenacity to follow through on my own impositions, it’s going to be ride. For the record, I view “substance” and “fun” as synonyms so feel free to sympathize.

Deuteronomy clarified a lot of references I’ve never understood. I’ll get to that later. Since people pick and choose the pieces of the Bible they’d like to follow, I choose the parenthesis, which makes an epic cameo in this section.

Example:

“… (A mighty race of giants called the Emim used to live in Ar. They were as tall as the Anakim, another race of giants. Like the Anakim they were also known as Rephaim; but he Moabites called them Emim. The Horites used to live in Edom, but the descendents of Esau chased them out, destroyed their nation, and settled there themselves, just as the Israelites later chased their enemies out of the land that the Lord gave them.)”

So this substance thing is a way to (hopefully) rid myself of a really long stint of insomnia. So far the worst part is caffeine withdrawal, which really sucks. (According to the 20 websites I visited during my ‘caffeine withdrawal symptoms’ search, I’m experiencing all side effects including headache, sleep deprivation, irritability, fatigue and difficulty concentrating. In other good news, a 2004 CNN report, “A new study that analyzes some 170 years’ worth of research concludes that caffeine withdrawal is very real — producing enough physical symptoms and a disruption in daily life to classify it as a psychiatric disorder. Researchers are suggesting that caffeine withdrawal should be included in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), considered the bible of mental disorders.” As if I need another.)

(On a positive note, there was a 12-hour period in May where I was hell bent on obtaining a heroin addiction and then writing about the withdrawal. This experience has taught me that no, I don’t want to do that.)

It’s very difficult to read 30-40 pages of the Bible twice a week especially when lack of concentration, sleep deprivation and irritability are thrown into the mix however, I’m still plowing through and as usual, I always end up enjoying the reading.

For a non-believer, Deuteronomy is very informative. This is moronic, but I’d never heard of the “great commandment,” understood the whole chosen people bit, really known why Jewish people stay away from the pig (I’ve feigned this information for years), why some believers want women to wear skirts and men pants, the consequences of having sex before marriage (still digesting this one) and the whole virginal blood on the sheets thing (sick).

It’s very fitting that my quest for purity coincides with my goal to read the Bible by Christmas. I’ll just go a day at a time, a lesson I believe is taught in the Bible and substance abuse groups. Tenacity.

Stopping Point: Deuteronomy, Section 28 (I never committed to reading this in one sitting. Conscious cleared.)

Today’s piece is a write-as-I-read number. I’m in a FANTASTIC mood and want to see if reading the Bible while irritated shows any measurable results. Many people think yes, good for all moods.

Generally when I see the world in varying shades of shit I do the following:

1. Run until I feel like vomiting (can’t do it, foot is still a mess)
2. Punch or kick something (nice little mix of German/Italian blood, already did it, didn’t work)
3. Shutdown (did it, obviously opening back up)

Today we’re going thumper style. I’m reading Numbers. We’ll see how far I get. Looks pretty dense, but fitting since it’s about “people who were often discouraged and afraid in the face of hardship.” Substitute anger for fear and there I am.

I’m three pages in and I already feel better as the Lord has just affirmed that first borns are the best. He chose them as his No. 1s. They got things started and then the second/third borns what have you, took over. Typical.

The details in this chapter — numbers, ages, rituals — are a bit annoying, but the rhythm of reading something and letting it pass through one eye and out the other without any pause for thought is rather soothing. I suppose this zombie-like repetition has modern appeal as it compliments much of 21st Century fiction. (It should be noted that I loved Nora Roberts when I was in fifth grade. She gives some  great tutorials about the synchronicity of bells and whistles.)

I’ve reached the “Lord Sends Quails” section. The correlating drawing of people chasing quail is amazing. I can’t find this drawing on the web, but this little nugget relates to one of my favorite national political headlines of 2006, the year Mr. Dick Cheney shot one of his supporters while quail hunting.

Oddly enough, the rest of the piece is about whiners and how they should stop pissing and moaning. Oh so appropriate given my state of mind. The people spent so much time complaining that God gave Moses a complaint department of 70 people and devoted two sections — “The People Complain” and “The Lord Punishes the People for Complaining” — to the matter. Punishments for complaints include death, 40 years of suffering, abandonment in the wilderness, fire, being swallowed by the earth, plague and attack by poisonous snakes.

Message received.

Did the turn-to-the-Bible experiment work? I suppose. The coincidence is rather interesting and did improve my mood. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll give this another try and measure results.

Question. I’m writing this from the Michigan State University (MSU) library. Do men really use the stacks to relieve certain tensions? That’s just fantastic.

Stopping Point: Numbers 27

Leviticus is very interesting in that it outlines various traditions, rules and consequences as defined by God. As with sections of Exodus, I sort of CliffsNoted my way through the boring stuff. But in those more than 30 pages, I found some value and many exceptions.

I’m not particularly adept at following rules be they legal, moral or social. I follow the ones I find most beneficial — wearing a seatbelt (if I’m in the front seat), applying sunblock (after succumbing to summer’s inaugural burn), taking care of those I love (but only if they’re not pissing me off), keeping my hands off the property of others (a few mishaps here) and respecting the lives of others (see section 1A for a complete library of addendums). I obey rules and laws sidelined with consequences I prefer to avoid  — paying taxes (um…), voting (soon to join the do-not-follow section) and killing (of large animals). And I disregard the ridiculous — respecting misplaced stop signs (when cops are not around), succumbing to obligation (unless it includes intoxication) and expressing kindness toward strangers (see section 1B for specifics).

My rules concerning rules are only consistent in devotion to exception. This, in effect, is Leviticus, a section of the Bible known for the “love your neighbor as you love yourself” commandment, one that gets lost in the quagmire of God’s laws, which are so confusing it’s nearly impossible to decipher right from wrong. (For the record, it took 30 pages before I noticed it’s “Le-vi-ti-cus,” not “Le-vic-tus.”)

Thankfully, a multitude of exceptions are wrapped up in these laws. I thrive on exceptions and therefore can place the following in my patchwork list of acceptable rules.

1. Laws Concerning Skin Diseases: Yes, I agree that skin diseases are disgusting and an individual afflicted by such a disease should be examined and, if necessary, quarantined. Unless of course the affliction is ringworm and it happens to be on my leg.

2. Laws Concerning Mildew: Also disgusting, but wonderful if covered by insurance.

3. Unclean Bodily Discharges: Agree with the concept, not the fluids.

4. Laws of Holiness and Justice: This is generally good stuff — no cheating, no lying, no breaking promises, no holding grudges — and a perfect demonstration of the value of exception. Have you ever gone a week without cheating, lying, breaking a promise or holding a grudge? I have, but only if white lies and cheating at board games are classified as exceptions to the cheating and lying portion of holiness and justice.

5. Eye for an eye. Love it, but prefer the world follow it after I’m safely housed in a concrete bunker in a land far, far away.

The way in which God designs these rules, regulations and punishments is ingenious because complexity allows for confusion, which encourages interpretation, which results in justification. Some people really blow the justification component. Justifying the allegedkilling of a strawberry stripper as a means to appease a bitch-slapping wife is not exactly the best logic.

That being said, justification is generally used to excuse blurry and harmless offenses. If God had created black and white rules punishable by the same consequence, we’d be screwed. If the punishment were death, we would cease to exist. If the punishment were guilt and shame, we would cease to prosper.

Humans are imperfect and incapable of linearly following legal, moral and social laws. If God’s laws didn’t allow for exception and interpretation we would not only hate ourselves for consistently failing, we would, by default, hate our neighbor. It is simply impossible to fully love your neighbor if you hate yourself.

Cheers to God’s exceptions.

Stopping Point: Should be Numbers, but will be Leviticus Part II — “That’s What She Said”