Thumpme

I initially found this section fraught with uninteresting detail. With the exception of the 10 Commandments, this portion of Exodus is like participating in a Broadway rehearsal. Wear a rope here, gold there, rub bull blood there, don’t walk here, offer here, waste wine over here – far too many details for my attention span, an affliction to be broached when a certain medicinal trailer moves through Lansing.

I started this section with the 10 Cs but since they’re revised later on, let’s get straight to the nut of my new affection for the Lord. Orgies and alcohol.

After the yada yada yada blah blah blah about robes, tents, lamps and whatnot, the people, who are left to their own devices because Moses is with the Lord working on wardrobe, “… sat down to a feast, which turned into an orgy of drinking and sex.” Yes please.

The people had this orgy before a homemade golden bull calf alter, which  prohibited by the 10 Cs where the Lord SPECIFICALLY tells his people not to worship anything – idols, metals, Gods, what have you – other than himself. The amazing part – and the reason I may relax my resistance against the Lord’s rules – is that the only thing about the situation that pisses him off is the gold-bull calf.

“So the Lord sent a disease on the people, because they had caused Aaron to make the gold-bull calf.”

I can’t blame the Lord for getting a little peeved. Everyone has their own idea of proper orgy ambiance. The Lord just happens to dislike bronze and all other metals.

“Do not make gods of metal and worship them,” he says to Moses and his people.

This prohibition may explain the recent destruction of Ohio’s Touchdown Jesus. The structure was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame. Unfortunately for Touchdown, steel is an iron alloy. Goodnight Jesus. My reading has yet to bring me to Jesus so I’m unsure as to whether he is amenable to metals. If he is, it would appear that the burning of Touchdown Jesus was a man made event, not a punishment from God.

If you are unfamiliar with Touchdown Jesus dirt eating incident, please check out the following video.

Version one of the 10 Cs makes sense until the Lord lists his addendums. If this then that. If this then that THEN this then this, then this. It’s like reading a Senate bill. The “do not desire” component of the 10 Cs is antithetical to human nature and American culture. If we did not desire, would our economy be collapsing and would we be at war?

The 10 Commandments round deux is fine, but the details about the lamp stand, the covenant box and the making of the Lord’s tent is just tedium. Basically he adds more bronze. Men.

Stopping Point: Leviticus

3 a.m. Eighth night of insomnia in 14 days. Not the sleep a little, wake a little, sleep a little wake a little insomnia that sets the stage for groggy days. This is the solitary, wide-eyed variety responsible for driving people to insanity. Again, I find myself reading the Bible.

Exodus is a fitting 3 a.m. read for one enslaved by the mind. Exodus begins with Egyptian tyranny and the oppression of the Israelites, who have their spirits crushed by slavery and hard labor. We’re both boxed in, but one of us chooses to exercise free will and the other does not. One of us will be set free and the other will not.

Even though they are slaves, the Israelites outnumber their Egyptian rulers, igniting fear in the Egyptian king who is determined not to let them leave. Rather than taking advantage of their manpower and overcoming the Egyptians, the Israelites do nothing. They accept their lot and hope for someone else to set them free. No uprising, not a peep of malcontent, not a single slitting of a throat. Nothing.

God knows the Israelites are weak and sheep-like in mentality. So when he tells Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, he commands Moses to take the long route and avoid the shorter, reason being that if faced with a fight, the shorter route would allow the cowardly Israelites to “change their minds and return to Egypt” where they would once again succumb to servitude.

Moses does as he is told and leads the Israelites to the Red Sea. Despite being protected by Moses and God (or the Lord, yet another identity crisis), the Israelites become fearful of the sea and say “We told you to leave us alone and let us go on being slaves of the Egyptians. It would be better to be slaves there than to die here in the desert.”

After assurances from Moses, the Israelites follow him beyond the bed of the Red Sea toward freedom. However, when they’re freed from the Egyptians, the Israelites settle themselves under the thumb of God, surrendering freedom for protection.

I cannot identify with the Israelites and it’s not because I have never followed a magic man through a parted sea or found loyalty in circumcision. It’s because I cannot stand weakness, particularly as it applies to submission of free will.

In Exodus it’s established that the weak shall be protected, a tenant of American civilization that is, in theory, widely accepted. Weakness encompasses a plethora of flaws, misfortunes and life situations, many of which are legitimate and temporary. My question is, why protect the weak that have no will? I believe it’s because doing so would precipitate the collapse of American civilization. What would the majority do without the lily pad path leading from elementary school to junior high; junior high to high school; high school to college; college to mechanical employment; and mechanical employment to retirement?

God, or the Lord, as his highness prefers to be referenced in Exodus, designates stubbornness as a sin. At this point in the Bible, this leaves us with two sins: Homosexuality and stubbornness. Currently, incest, murder, rape and greed are mere plotlines. Perhaps stubbornness is a sin because when applied properly, it mirrors free will and therefore threatens civilization.

Maybe my test is to survive my sin – stubbornness masked as free will – by conquering insanity bred by insomnia. Or maybe not.

Stopping point: Exodus, The Ten Commandments

People stare at me when I read the Bible in public. I’m inclined to explain to young gawkers that this is a summer project in hopes that doing so will prevent them from pegging me as a believer. I am equally tempted to crush those who approve of my studies (hint — they include the population that will receive Social Security benefits) with a sarcastic admission of disbelief.

My conflict with reading the Bible is paramount to the Bible itself. This monstrosity of diction is a colossal contradiction, an impossible labyrinth mankind somehow decided to follow and interpret. The problem with interpretation is that it’s subjective. Not only is it subjective, successful transmission relies on intelligent agents. We are completely screwed.

I was really excited to use the Rape of Dinah as a lynchpin for a diatribe about the Bible and sex, but my head is so spun by erotic conflict that I’m going to have to put my favorite subject off until I can slow the rotations. Therefore, I will do what I prefer not to do and save myself for a later entry, devoting this one to “The Twelve Tribes of Israel.”

For those of you who don’t remember, Jacob (don’t worry about him, he’s just a cog) presented these 12 “tribes,” which are like premonitions or curses or whatever, to his sons on his deathbed. FYI, at this point Jacob’s name is now Israel but he still responds to Jacob. If any of you can explain the name changing, by all means, jump in…

The messages embedded in these “tribes” are all over the place and are only consistent in lack of clarity. Individually they can be interpreted as good or evil, right or wrong, cause or effect. As a group, they can be divided into categories, but how should they be divided and what does it mean? Basically, how does some dumb schmoe like myself make sense of this?

I looked through all 11 tribes — Jacob has 12 sons but apparently Simeon and Levi are not important enough to have their own so they get smashed together — evaluated them, weighed their outcomes and then paired them. I used Jacob’s moment with God, which he has midway through naming the tribes, as the divider between my two sections. It’s a yin-yang situation. Those before the interference are yin, those after, yang.

— Hold on. I need a moment with myself. — Since I absently rolled up the napkin where I wrote my notes about the Twelve Tribes of Israel, proceeded to wrap it around my finger and then rip it up, I’m starting from scratch. One second…

And we’re rolling. These are my pairings.

1. Benjamin (also renamed) is like a wolf and kills all day and night. His brothers Simeon and Levi also kill but they use weapons, anger and violence and they use it to harm humans and animals. Here we have instinct versus indulgence or animal versus man.

2. Joseph gets a huge paragraph because he’s like a donkey. He’s also a good fighter, protector and farmer. God also loves him so he can do whatever the hell he wants and people will bow down to him. Some kids inherit unpaid property taxes and others God’s devotion. Who said life is fair? Paired with Joseph is poor Judah. Like Joseph, people will bow to Judah but Judah’s a loner and a glutton. He will always spawn, but he’s addicted to the grape and will die with purple teeth. Here we have perfection and imperfection or power and misfortune.

3. Naphtali is a deer and a nympho. He gets two sentences and a license to screw. He’s an ancient Mimbo, a dumb male purposed with reproduction and blessed with beautiful sperm. Reuben, on the other hand, is a good person but since he slept with dad’s concubine, he’s dishonorable. Here we have frivolity and oppression or reproduction and chastity.

4. Asher is good with food and will feed the king, but his brother Issachar is fine with being no better than a donkey so he bends his back to carry food and works as a slave. Here we get into an equal to or better than equation. If you’re kind of like a donkey (Joseph), you’re better than a donkey and also amazing. If you’re equal to a donkey (Issacher), you’re ripe for blankets and fat asses. Here we have responsibility and laziness or status and freedom.

5. Gad is destined to get attacked by robbers and turn them in. Fantastic fortune. Dan will rule people and act as a snake that attacks pedestrians. Here we have honor and deception or cowardice and enterprise.

5.5 Zebulun is the cheese. He’s the last brother, he doesn’t have a yin-yang match and is destined to live by the sea where he will become a haven for ships and expand his territory beyond Sidon. I say he’s a decoy for the gluttonous devouring of land that spawns eternities of religious warfare.

So what’s good and what’s bad? It all depends on the lens. Is everything circumstantial? I don’t know, but organized religion sure wants us to think so.

This project has me overwhelmed and empathetic to those who devote their lives to this journey. For this entry I read 10 pages and could only write about 1.5.

Rather then spend any more of my day expanding my worldview, challenging my often bombastic proclamations and sitting in my chair sipping tea and looking thoughtfully out the window like a scholar, I’m going to close my computer, spend money on clothes I don’t need and then have a drink of the least holy water imaginable.

Stopping Point: Exodus

I’m sitting in my bedroom, brooding. The pain pills prescribed to heal my injured toe are not working. Since the mad scientists watered down by the FDA have quashed my fantasies of a buzz, I’m running through and adding to the list of people who have wronged me — primarily family members and strangers — while simultaneously weighing the fiscal viability of a shark-for-hire or communicable-disease-for-hire service industry.

I am not a churchgoer, but I’ve hear the whole God is forgiving bit. Actually, he isn’t.  He’s a narcissistic hypocrite, which explains why I’ve never been able to bow my head or close my eyes when forced to pray. In Genesis, or when God decided man could come into being, he not only sets man up for failure, he uses his power to punish those he doesn’t like and reward those he does. The funny thing is, I can’t figure out how he chooses good and evil. Why did Noah get to build an arc? Because he gave an offering to the Lord that smelled good? Cain gave God his harvest before Abel gave him a chopped up sheep, but God got pissed at Cain. Why? I guess we were never meant to be vegetarian.

I don’t see any forgiveness yet.

I’ve also learned about Shem (wasn’t he an original Stooge?) and Ham, whom I can’t imagine had much in terms of self-esteem. I’m curious to see if they turn up on subsequent pages and if so, what role they play.

I’m confused by Abram’s story. God gives him this awesome piece of land than creates a drought and forces Abram to Egypt where his beautiful wife has to be disguised as his sister so he doesn’t get killed? Then we get into a little Indecent Proposal because the king gives Abram gifts in exchange for his wife’s company.  But later on she gives him permission to take on a concubine so I guess it’s all good. Does monotony ever get addressed in the Bible? At this point sex is a circus and the carnal relationships don’t fall in line with what I’ve heard from Christians who seem to favor monotony over pleasure, especially Catholics who are anti-divorce.

Then we get into the warring kingdoms. It’s confusing and stupid and reinforces my commitment to ignore what we know as the Middle East. Well, everything but oil, which is pretty cool and pretty neutral in terms of dinner conversation.

The circumcision covenant is interesting. I’ll have to revisit that one and the multitudes of sexual norms/deviations presented in this first section. I can’t tell if norms or deviations are a human construct. Thus far homosexuality has been met with blindness and incest life.

I thought reading the Bible while brooding would calm my irritations and encourage forgiveness, but it actually just normalized the moronic nature of relationships, particularly those bound by blood. Apparently families have been dysfunctional since the beginning of time. As the Godfather, God holds the promises he makes over his loved ones’ heads and every time they get close to cashing in, he reneges or changes the rules. I’ll give you descendants if you do this. OK. Now I’ll give you descendents if you do this. OK. Now if you do this. OK. This must be where family game playing was created. Family members play favorites, engage in healthy acts of jealousy, rivalry, spite, deception and torture.

Example: “When Esau was forty years old, he married two Hittite girls, Judith the daughter of Beeri, and Basemath the daughter of Elon. They made life miserable for Issac and Rebecca.”

We’ve also got kicking in the womb, sexual punishment and steeling. This could be good.

First impression of the Bible: I wish the Goddamn thing had consecutive page numbers. Second impression: What about some pictures or a family tree? Come on God! Throw me a bone.

I also like Uz and Buz. This could be another case of déjà vu, but I’m pretty sure we’ve met before.

Stopping point: Geneses, Jacob Meets Esau

In December 2009, I went to a mega church Christmas Eve mass with someone I should be close to but couldn’t be further from. I hoped the experience would shed light on two relationships I don’t understand: one I have with my sister and one the world has with religion.

I left with a plastic candleholder that I recycled on my way out the door. That’s it.

I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe I ever will. I do believe in experience and have certainly followed the masses on the path to escapism by wholeheartedly throwing myself into drugs, alcohol, sex and ignorance. However, while using the guise of experimentation to cover instability, somehow I missed the most legal, most recognized, most in-your-face way to leave the world behind — I avoided the Good Book. I’ve had second hand exposure to its magic. I know religious fanatics, I’m familiar with the world’s great wars and enjoy following the hypocrites it excuses. But, I’ve never read it.

So, between now and December 25, 2010, I’m going to immerse myself in the wispy pages of the bible, running from front to back, Old Testament to new. I can’t imagine this quest will be more interesting or more enlightening than other efforts I’ve made as an escapist, but we shall see.

The only thing I can promise is that I’ll post every Monday and Wednesday and I’ll read every Sunday, just like the Good Lord asked.

Amen God and mozeltov.